No matter how grown and independent we become we all need a strong support system that will help encourage, carry, and celebrate us. But let’s face it: Adult relationships are hard work.
They are not easy to find and they are certainly not easy to keep. Once you find those you are willing to do life with, it is important to steward them well. If you find yourself always looking for a new group of girlfriends to go brunching with, here are two things that could potentially be costing you valuable friendships.
Negative Gossip
Gossip in its purest form is when you talk about someone who is not present so technically there is good and bad gossip. Gossip becomes bad when you start engaging in loose candor about someone in a way that you most likely wouldn’t be proud to do in their presence. This can be you bashing them, complaining about them, or sharing some less then praiseworthy information about them.
When you gossip, you not only taint someone else’s reputation and character, you simultaneously damage your own. This is because when a person is faced with a gossiper, even if they engage, they subconsciously become more reluctant to trust you. They will start to wonder if you have also gone behind their back and said similar or worse things about them. Without you even noticing, this person may decide in their hearts that they should not disclose too much personal or confidential matters with you because they can’t know for sure whether you will spread it, or use it against them. They will also wonder if the information being presented is even true and will question your integrity.
As the old saying goes, trust and communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Your gossip with cause there to be a lack of trust and that will constitute in a break in open communication. Therefore, that relationship will never be able to flourish deeper than a surface level.
People often gossip because they feel like there is nothing else to talk about. If that is your case, it’s time to re-access the relationship to figure out what other common grounds you have? Maybe both of you guys love movies and can talk about that. Maybe it’s politics, religion, fashion, music, or philosophy even.
Maybe you are not gossiping from a place of ill-intent or malice. Maybe you just want to vent or get advice on a certain situation involving this other person. If you are looking to vent, talk to the person directly. If that is not reasonable or productive get a journal to write out your frustrations. If that still doesn’t do it for you, take it to an un-associated friend or colleague but do not give away the person’s identity. That way you get things off your chest, but not at the expense of another’s reputation.
Complaining
A good friendship will be well-balanced. That means if you want to vent, cry, or mope about a situation in your life, your friendships should be a safe space to do so. The issue begins when that is all you do. Your friends want to be there for you, but when you’re always complaining, being there for you will start to feel like a burden.
It’s a form of selfishness when you constantly murmur. You’re only thinking about yourself and your problems with little regard for your friends’ problems. It’s like having a huge load of trash and dumping it all on your friend. She is now lugging that same load of trash, on top of all the other trash in her life.
Energy is a real thing. People don’t want to feel drained or burdened after hanging out with you. If your friend notices that their energy depletes around you, do not be surprised if they start avoiding you.
Further, maybe you’re not even going through any specific hardships in your life but you just love to complain. It could be a really nice night out and instead of enjoying it, you complain about the restaurant being too cold, or your waiter’s bad haircut- all the little things that don’t matter. People may not readily tell this to your face, but few people can tolerate a constant complainer. So, if there is more bad that comes out of your mouth than good, you may notice your weekends getting less and less booked.
If you are complaining because you are facing extreme hardship and a venting sessions with your friends hasn’t done it, it’s time to give it to God. Pray about it and ask that He would intervene. Remember, you can’t pray and worry; choose one. Also, seek professional counsel. There is no shame in going to a therapist to talk things out. Your friends are not trained to deal with your problems and it can end up damaging them but a therapist may know exactly what you need.
If you find yourself always complaining and murmuring about the little things, it will take a conscious effort to stop. When you catch yourself about to say something negative, just keep it to yourself or say something positive instead. Another good exercise is to keep a gratitude journal. Every day, take about 5-10 minutes to write down some things that you are grateful for. This daily activity will help you to have a more optimistic outlook on life.
If you realized you have been doing any of these two things in your current relationships, stop it as they can be silent relationship killers.
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