Yes, Single Shaming is a Thing and it Needs to Stop

“What’s wrong with you? You must be crazy, huh?” He half-joked, yet I knew his light banter was also rooted in a serious and perhaps confused query about why an attractive, young female like myself was still single. There was just no other reasonable explanation other than something had to be wrong with me, right? This is an example of single shaming.

Now, I would love to write this off as an isolated incident, but unfortunately, as a single woman in my mid-twenties, I have these types of encounters all the time. Sometimes from relatives and old friends, and other times from coworkers or random strangers. 

Absurdly, they never consider that maybe we don’t want to be bothered with a man for now, or we just haven’t found one to measure to our standards of loyalty and compatibility. Taking time to focus on career growth and development is also never a viable consideration. We can’t even dare try to convince them that we’re taking intentional time to heal from past relationship wounds and traumas. Nope, the only explanation they can ever think of is that something must be wrong or out of order. This is the core of single-shaming.

So what exactly is single shaming?

It’s the act of making one feel inadequate for not having a significant other.

It’s saying things like, “aren’t you tired of being single?”

“Don’t you wish you were in a relationship?”

“Girl, we need to get you a man,” or

“If only you had a man….”

My frustrations with such shaming do not stem from me wishing that I was married by now. Sure, it would be nice, but I understand that everything has a perfect time. I also know that even though marriage has its fair share of perks, singleness comes with a pretty attractive benefits package as well. My frustrations with single-shaming, however, lies in all that it implies and suggests to women.  

It implies that a woman is ‘less than’ if they are not in a relationship.

It implies that somehow the woman with a man is more successful at being a woman than the one without one. As women, we live in a society that continually tells us how we need to act, dress, and look to get a man. If you struggle to find a man, that same society suggests that perhaps you are doing something wrong. 

It also suggests to a woman that happiness can only be found in a man.

Why is it that when people see a single woman glowing or radiating joy, the first thing they say is “you must have a new man” or, “what’s his name?” Sure good love can be a source of happiness, but that is not the only thing a woman can be happy about. Single shaming sells women on the idea that once they get a man, they will finally become satisfied after all this time. It doesn’t challenge women to find happiness within themselves right where they are. Rather, it suggests we should wait around for prince charming, and only then can we live happily ever after.

This mentality even keeps some of us in bad relationships even when we know we deserve better. Single-shaming says, “Any man is better than no man. Yes, he treats you bad but sis, just be happy that you aren’t single.”

It also suggests that a relationship or marriage is the end-all, be-all of goals. 

Who cares that you just got a promotion at your job. Who cares that you just launched your business, closed on your first house, or finally developed a healthy relationship with yourself. Single shaming bypasses all of that and implies that you are still behind if you don’t have a man.

Overcoming Single Shaming

The people around you may be shaming you without even noticing what they are doing. Just make sure not to bite the bait. Your life would not become miraculously better if you tied the knot and change your last name.

Realize that you have a unique purpose

You know that intense longing for a husband that you feel? Yes, understand this is natural, and God put that in you for a reason. If you don’t have the desire, that too is natural. Perhaps you are not destined to be married.

We each have an individual purpose and a high calling on our lives. Some women are satisfied with solely being a helpmate to their husbands and caregivers to their children. Some women will be like Oprah, a successful career woman never finding the time to slow down and build a family. Others of us will find ourselves somewhere in the middle of those two lifestyles. Either way, no calling is greater than the other. The married woman who spends her days looking after her home is no more or less important than she who spends her days at work.

Do whatever makes you feel most happy and fulfilled. Resist letting anyone impose their expectations on you. Singleness serves a significant purpose. It is a time when you should get to know and love yourself. Maximize and enjoy our singleness without letting people pressure you to settle down, even when you are not ready.

Keep in mind you are complete, yes, even in your singleness

You haven’t been walking around your whole life missing a puzzle piece that some mystery man holds. Though certain people can help and encourage you to a path of wholeness, no one can make you whole other than your creator. Dare to find true wholeness wherever you find yourself in life, whether single or in a relationship. 

Remember, you are enough

Maybe all the single shaming has made you consider if something is wrong with you. You may have started to wonder if you should change your weight or get your body done. You may have considered dressing differently, changing your hair, or wearing more or less makeup. After the exterior changes didn’t work, perhaps your personality, habits, or the unique way you laugh came under scrutiny. Please stop this.

Don’t make a habit of changing things about yourself to please another person. You will always be inadequate for the wrong person. As long as you stay true to who you are, love will find you at the right time. You won’t have to force or rush it, and you won’t have to settle. In the meantime, don’t let the others get you down. With or without a man, baby, you are pure gold worthy of rich and unadulterated love.