My Letter to the Lord:
Hi, it’s me again.
Sorry, it’s been a while. I know for some time there it seemed like I was straying away from you. I apologize for that. I apologize for navigating my heartaches and struggles without you. I apologize for the times I’ve misspoken or the times I’ve pretended not to care. I apologize for the sins I may have committed and the sighs that I’ve aired. I want you to know that deep down I knew you were always there, watching and waiting for me to come back. I’m trying my best to push through these tough times and just breathe. I’m sure you’ve heard my prayers late at night and I’m sure you’ve watched as I’ve written in my journal asking for clarification. As silly as this next statement may sound, I wanted to promise you that my future kids will know your name. I know your love is strong, Lord and I can’t wait to see what you have in store.
I love you,
Ysa.
My Journey
From a very young age I was taught the importance of religion. I was baptized as a baby, I attended Sunday School, had my first communion and was confirmed through the Catholic church. Like many kids, I groaned at the thought of getting up early on Sundays and sitting in a chair for hours on end. However, the distinct calmness I felt within the church walls was something indescribable. I remember as a child turning to my mother, pointing at the priest and telling her that I wanted to be him– whatever that meant. I quickly learned that as a female in the Catholic church my only option was to be a nun, and though that was a passing thought in my head for a while, it didn’t last too long. Nonetheless, I enjoyed church. I remember attending it, paying attention to the scriptures, and being shocked by how well the words applied to my life.
However as time went on, and I went off to college, I slowly began drifting away from the practices I was used to. I knew something was off when I completely ignored the ‘Catholic Mass In Session’ sign my college had put out. It felt wrong, but I chalked it up to me being hungry –as I needed to pass the church just to get to the dining hall. I walked by and told myself “it’ll be there tomorrow”. I was right, but I never entered. Instead I found myself praying to combat the feeling of guilt. I needed a way to let God know that I was alright and that I’d attend mass soon. I remember looking at the sign everyday and saying “sorry” in my head. But, nothing truly changed.
A few years after that, I found myself dating a guy who saw religion as a burden. In my attempt to not lose him, I found myself changing. I felt like I was being pulled away from what I had silently taken pride in years prior. I began praying less and avoiding the topic of religion altogether so as to not start up a debate. Looking back, we were completely different people with different views on life and religion. I remember a few times throughout that year I would secretly keep a journal where I talked to God and asked him for a sign that I had chosen the right person. That should have been a sign in it of itself. After a year and a half, I didn’t know who I was and who I had become. It’s been a few months since things ended and though my journey is still ongoing, I feel much better.
Recently, I found myself talking to God again. I admit that even when I had strayed, I never felt truly alone. I think part of that was due to the fact that his presence was much greater than what I had given him credit for. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I’m excited to see where it leads. I hope that by sharing my story, others will feel less alone in their journey. I know for me, the process was a long one. But, like many things in life, sometimes the journey makes the ending all worth it.
For now, I’ll leave you with some songs that have helped me find my way back. I hope they help you too.
Promises – Maverick City Music (feat. Joe L Barnes & Naomi Raine)
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) – Hillsong UNITED
Dear God – Terrel Grice, MaKenzie Thomas
- He’s Just Not That Into You…and That’s Ok - November 9, 2020
- Dating During Covid: There is Still Hope - November 2, 2020
- Finding My Way Back: My Journey with Religion - October 28, 2020
